Today’s episode of, “Keep it Together.”  Or, as my forebears would have it, “In all Christian love…”

1. A government funded program is NOT going to come and steal your children from you under the guise of COVID-19 testing.  And BTW, you might think your children are extraordinary, but, and I don’t think I’m alone here, you couldn’t pay most people to take the little darlings off your hands… Unless you’re coming across the Mexican border seeking asylum.  Then our government will totally kidnap your children, stick them in cages and watch (or not) as they die.  So, you might have a point there.  Here, look, just don’t seek asylum in our country if you’re brown and arriving by foot from south of the border.  I hear Norwegians and Germans are welcome though. Unless you’re Merkel.

2. Wearing a mask in public is NOT going to give you CO2 poisoning.  If that were true, doctors and nurses performing heart surgery would be passing out mid-bypass left and right.  Seriously, what are you smoking?  I’d like to try some.

3. Speaking of wearing masks, why do you think doctors and nurses wear them for things like surgery?  It’s more to protect you than them.  Don’t you kind of appreciate that?  I mean, I’d prefer people not breathing potential pathogens into my open flesh unnecessarily.  Doctors’ exhalations aren’t magically cleansed of all infectious particulates because they have an “M.D.” by their name on a business card.

4. At present, peer-reviewed studies have shown that while there is no one magic bullet to prevent becoming infected by Coronavirus, the combination of frequent hand-washing, wearing a mask in public, not touching your face, and routinely wiping down surfaces like door handles, counter tops, cell phones and remote controls collectively drastically reduce the probability of infection.  Leave one of those elements out, however, and you set yourself and others up for abject failure. (Please see the New Yorker article entitled, “Amid the Coronavirus Crisis, a Regimen for Reentry,” which I previously posted.)

5. OMFG, not going out in public or limiting your exposure to people for a few months is NOT going to fuck up your immune system.  I mean seriously, have you ever cracked a book on biology or am I the only one?  Eat right, take your vitamins, and see #4 above.  And BTW, the video by those two, “doctors” on YouTube was taken down because it was proven to be false, not because the “deep state” is conspiring to keep you in the dark.   Some of you do a damn fine job of that all by yourselves. Congrats.

6. Herd immunity–that takes time.  And I’m sorry but, you first.  I statistically have a far better shot at surviving literally jumping into an area of the ocean densely populated with sharks, and I’d sooner take my chances there.  Thanks.

7. There is no “Obamagate.”  You think there is one?  Ah, all right, pumpkin.  Please enumerate exactly what that is to me, and I will then very likely drive a proverbial Hummer through all the holes in your ludicrous story.  “Obamagate” is a pathetic ruse to distract the public from this administration’s asininely anemic response to a pandemic 45 spent TWO MONTHS publicly referring to as a hoax…and wasting two months to secure things we needed, like PPE, ventilators, and of course test kits that, YES, the W.H.O. DID offer to sell us.  We, unlike an impoverished, third-world country, would have been required to pay for those tests.  Go figure.

8. The only problem with voting by mail at this point is the potential that our United States Post Office may not be operational come November because Congress passed an insane law years ago (2006) requiring the U.S.P.S. to fully fund their pension plan for 75 years of benefits in advance.  Also, they crippled the U.S.P.S.’s ability to raise postal rates on packages.  Try operating a business that way.  And now Congress isn’t helping them out.  Specifically the Senate.  Specifically Republicans.  I know–total shocker.

9. Speaking of voting by mail, you know who does that besides me and my husband? The mother fucking President of the United States, the majority of Congress, and the majority of our service members including our military, ambassadors and their staff, anyone else who travels frequently, and a lot of firefighters because they are doing things like fighting fires.  They can’t always get to their local polling place on a specific date.  Do you really suppose our military members and fire fighters are deliberately committing fraud by not voting in person?  Our ambassadors?  Our President?  Oh, wait…he might be.  Forget I said that last bit.

10. Hydroxychloroquine.  Two brief statements on that.  “Nope.  The latest and more probable therapeutic treatment candidate is Remdesivir, but it is still only a CANDIDATE.”  Also, “I fucking told you Hydroxycholorquine wasn’t a scientifically tested or proven therapeutic for COVID-19 in the first place.  Please feel free to go back to snorting essential oils and mainlining Lysol.”

I am sure, at this point, that I haven’t hit every moronic conspiracy theory or NON-scientifically based assertion I have seen on my news feed in the last week, and I probably haven’t insulted nearly enough people, but I’ll wrap this up.

Look, I’d like to live for a few more years.  I’d also like to make a living.  I’d like very much to go out in public.  But that’s not what we’ve got right now, and it won’t be for a while.  This is our World War II, except without a decent U.S. President and absent a Winston Churchill.  My Grams taught me a lot of things.  She was a Depression baby, and lived through WWII with my Gramps.  She taught me how to be conservative and do my part; to grow a garden, knit, care for those less fortunate, see a need and fill it without expectation of compensation; and I absolutely will do all that and then some. Always.  It’s a moral imperative.  But don’t ask me to make sacrifices like frequenting brick and mortar businesses when you aren’t willing to wear a mask in public or adhere to social distancing to protect others.  Because if you aren’t doing that, then you probably aren’t washing your hands frequently either, and I don’t want to be near you. Showing you are capable of following directions, exercising basic human respect and decency is a good first step in demonstrating that I and others can be confident in going out in public.  You want us to open up?  Me too.  Suck it up, wash your hands, put on your mask, and exercise common-sense.  Maybe do something to make sure our homeless population is cared for as well.  We are only as healthy as they are, which, combined with the fact that they are fellow citizens and fellow human beings fundamentally means they are worthy of respect too.